staci j guthrie

A Little Bit Country

2012-02-13T22:51:00.001-08:00

A Little Bit Country by staciguthrie featuring drawstring backpack bags

Abercrombie Fitch buffalo plaid shirt
$41 - abercrombie.com

Scotch Soda sweater
€50 - scotch-soda.com

Hollister Co. dark wash jeans
$35 - hollisterco.com

Converse lace up sneaker
$55 - piperlime.gap.com

Drawstring backpack bag
$40 - tillys.com

Effy Collection rose gold diamond earrings
$1,000 - lordandtaylor.com

Tri color jewelry
$6 - jcpenney.com

Red scarve
$162 - otteny.com

FRESH EGGS LAID THIS MORNING

2011-03-21T19:39:00.000-07:00

I often go to the chicken coop on Friday mornings with September. There are around 15 chickens that she looks after. I love gathering the warm eggs that are just laid and watching the chickens scratch around in the grass. Here are a few pictures from this weeks trip:

Aren't they delightful! In heaven I'll have a whole flock! Did you live on a farm growing up? My aunt and uncle and grandparents did. I would go often in the summer and ride horses, build forts with my cousins and go swimming in cutoffs in the creek. I miss those days!

Living Under His Grace & Mercy

Staci

LET'S GO TO AN ESTATE SALE!

2011-03-19T14:14:00.000-07:00

September and the girls are my partners in crime. The four of us hit three estate sales this weekend! One was a total bust but the other two had a few good things. No matter what's in the sale, it's always fun to walk through and see the house - especially the older ones. This weekend we scored pretty big! I got a quilt and a 50s table cloth and September bought a a crystal picture. Callie loves clothes from the 70s. She remakes them into the cutest outfits. Take a peek inside one sale:

Sometimes you can get great furniture for awesome prices.

Got a collection you want to add to?

This may not look like much but there was a great quilt hiding in that pile!


After the sale, Callie and I went out for a photo shoot. Here's the outfit she put together. She's almost 16 and so artistically talented. Her shorts were pants in another life. And I love the 70s shirt under her crocheted sweater.

Estate sales are so much fun! You should definitely go to one. You never know what you'll find. I bet there's some great estate sales in Oklahoma City! I should check them out next week while I'm there!

Living Under His Grace & Mercy

Staci

WELCOME SPRING!

2011-03-16T18:35:00.000-07:00

I was certain at the end of last week that winter had returned. It was freezing cold outside! But today the sun was out and the day warmed into the 60s. It was perfect. September and I began restoring some furniture in her backyard that she had bought at estate sales. Bentley dozed on his leash in the sun. I can't believe that this time last month there was snow on the ground. So welcome spring! We're glad you're here!

We had a had a little photo shoot in the jonquils. These were taken on the Burns Park golf course right here in town.

Isn't Callie cute. She's a jewelry and fashion artist.

Grace is a ballerina. She moves elegantly and I love watching her dance.

This was a month ago!

We got 7 inches with that snow. I could barely make it to the airport. The freeways were frozen solid.

The ice icicles on our neighbors house were huge! Grant had a good time picking them off. He's taller than me now and plans on being a missionary too. Where's he headed? Maybe Uganda to help Cari with her school. He's talked of that for the last year and a half. Who knows! We'll have to wait and see...

My mother died three years ago on March 11th. Sometimes it seems like yesterday and the pain is sharp and hollow. Sometimes is seems like quite a while ago...the seasons keep on changing one after another. I know she'd like me to plant some flowers so that will be my first project this spring. Hope you're enjoying the warm weather too.

Living Under His Grace & Mercy,
Staci

HEAVEN HAS COME

2010-12-04T09:44:00.000-08:00

My grandmother is sitting at the feet of Jesus this morning. She's been there 16 hours now. What are they doing? What has she seen? Has she walked around the city yet? What's her place look like? She saw my mother an hour after I'd left her! Did she tell her that she was just with me?

Eric drove me over to Fort Smith yesterday morning. I sat with Grandmother in her tiny room for four hours. I looked at old pictures that my Aunt Nancy had found and brought to her room. Many of them were of my mother as a baby that I'd never seen before. I thumbed through the old photo albums and my grandmother ran her hands over my shoulder and back. Her loving touch. I will miss it. About two hours before she died she was looking above her head and said, "I see angels." I wish I could have seen them too. I don't doubt they were there.

The missing her is the hard part. I don't know why I cry until I throw up but I do. Death feels yucky inside. It leaves you with change that you don't want. I wish my Grandmother was in her chair reading a book in her apartment and I would stop by and see her tomorrow. You know, one day I'll be able to do that again...stop by her house and see her again.

My Grandmother lived to be 92 years old. She followed Jesus her whole life. He was there with her through good times and bad, through happy times and sad. When she got to heaven yesterday there was a sign on her front door. It said -

WELCOME HOME

The clouds may be heavy today but above them the Son shines brightly. Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.

Living Under His Grace and Mercy,
Staci

Waiting on Heaven

2010-11-29T17:45:00.000-08:00

As I write this, my grandmother is here for possibly her last day. I've had hot tears streaming down my face and a runny nose. She has had a protective spirit for me all my life but especially since my mother died. I feel like a kid when I'm with her. I'm wondering what the days ahead will hold. I keep jumping when the phone rings. What will that day be like for her when she crosses over and takes that triumphant walk through the gates of Glory? I know Jesus will throw his arms around her! My mother will be there too along with my grandfather and my two great uncles. Oh it will be a good day for her. I still get a little scared when I think about death. Don't you? It is the unknown. I think I'll tell you what I do know about it - the parts that I've learned that aren't in scripture but still truth none the less.

When my momma got sick with pancreatic cancer I panicked. I was traumatized that day in the doctor's office when Dr. Baltz sweetly told momma what she had... "There's a shadow on your pancreas. It's cancer." I knew what that diagnosis meant - death or a miraculous healing. I had a long journey ahead of me of learning to trust Jesus with my emotions in the very depths of my soul. There was no other way I would survive emotionally intact if I didn't let Him take care of me. Day by day I let go of myself and sat with Him. Momma and I walked this path together. Rarely did we talk about the cancer. We lived each day individually in our normal routines as best as we could. At night I would throw myself in the floor in my bathroom at Jesus feet. There I would let Him comfort me. There He met me quietly and held my sobbing body. There the waves of sorrow and fear would come and Jesus wept along with me. I don't know why God chose to take my mother that way. I do know this - at the end of her journey we had both fought and won a victory over fear and depression with Jesus! Day by day and sometimes minute by minute it was fought and won. This is what happened when momma died.

We took momma to the hospital. We followed the ambulance to St. Vincent. It was a long ride. After several hours in the emergency room, they moved her up to an ICU unit. That evening when I walked in to her little cubical she reached out her hand and told me that she'd had enough. Take the tubes and medicines away. She was ready. She wanted pain medication and that was all. It was something that I could do for her. I could obey and help her and I did. When the pain medicine came, it put her into a deep sleep. Before she went to sleep I told her that if I saw her stir I would get her more medicine. She was satisfied. We talked for almost two hours. We said I love yous over and over. She told me I was a good mother. I disagreed. Eric wanted secrets after she got there. She smiled. After some time, she went deep asleep. The monitors told us that her heart was slowing down. Suddenly, beyond my wildest dreams, I was almost giddy with joy! I kept listening to the beats come more and more infrequently and my heart began to soar! I told Eric that "she's not here anymore! I know what the monitors say but she's not here!" I was smiling! We'd won! She'd won! Jesus was there in the room! You could feel his presence. He's the one who brought all this happiness with him and gave it to me! I didn't cry. I didn't need to! I was so caught off guard by what I was seeing and experiencing that I relived it day after day in my thoughts. When I left the hospital my mom was standing at the gates of heaven with people throwing their arms around her laughing and smiling and talking nonstop! How do I know this happened? Well two days later I was in bed exhausted from the last seven months of fighting this cancer with momma. I was in bed early and fell asleep. I had a dream that was as vivid as could be. My grandfather was in a large garden hoeing rows and rows of soil. I could see them stretching behind him. He liked to garden while he was here on earth too. I was aware that there were some buildings to his right but I don't know what they looked like at all. A man suddenly appeared and stood before him. He told him that it was time for him to go to the gate. My grandfather took off his gloves, dropped his hoe and began walking away. That was it. The dream ended. I sat bolt up in bed and woke Eric. I told him that I knew what happened when momma got to heaven and I told him my dream. After thinking about it for a few minutes I realized that the man was an angel. He came to deliver a message to my granddad. I then realized that not everyone goes to the gates when someone arrives. Isn't that interesting? He told him that it was time for him to go. I think you're told when someone you know is coming. I also thought that in heaven in the big Book of Life there were birth dates and times and arrival dates and times. If you looked in the book, you would find out when someone was coming and you could meet them at the gate. Now I have no idea where I got this idea. That was something I had believed my entire life as truth. But what excited me more than anything was the realization that my grandfather didn't know who he was going to meet! You KNOW he thought it was my grandmother. She was 90! But it wasn't her! He was in for a huge surprise. I was so exited for him I couldn't stand it. Oh wow. If only I could have been there! It happened. It was real. It was a glimpse into heaven that brought me comfort. God gave me a peek. He is so good.

Now my grandmother is about to walk through the gates. I've told her I love her. She's told me the same. I told her to tell momma hi. My grandmother is just transferring from one place to another. The distance is so small that it's like a thin veil between heaven and life here on earth. Sometimes God lets us catch a glimpse through the veil. Thank you God. I know that the victory has already been won. I'm left behind once again but I know it will be ok. I'll soon stop crying and although the memories are painful right now, they'll sweeten as the months pass by.

I write these things because it brings me comfort. It reminds me that great joy can come out of awful times of sorrow. I write about truths that I've learned. I hope it helps you to read them. I want you to know what I've experienced. I'm waiting now for the Comforter to come. Come Lord Jesus Come.

Do you have a story about heaven? Please tell me. I want to hear them.

Living under His Grace and Mercy,
Staci

HIS NAME IS SAVIOR - UPDATE ON THE BOY WHO DIDN'T PLAY

2010-11-09T21:01:00.000-08:00

   His name is Savior. I met him this past spring in a tiny village on the Nile called Pakwach. This village is just a wide spot in the road. Not much goes on there. I think it survives by selling snacks to tourist who visit Murchison Falls National Park. The back entrance to the park is just across the bridge on the other side of the Nile. When you sit outside at night in Pakwach, you can hear the lions roar. It's the largest animal/safari park in Uganda. Even though this may be true, the village has no electricity. The water is bad. Most haul water to their homes from the Nile. I think this is what made Savior sick. I talked about Savior in a post I did in April of this year on this blog. I'd love it if you went back and read it. If you're going to do that - read no further. Go back now (link) ! For there are spoilers in this post if you read this one first. So you are now forewarned!

   Savior was a little boy who hung out at the gate of our camp. He didn't smile and he didn't play. I took him to see a doctor in town because I could tell that he was really sick. He had worms in his tummy - three kinds. One was a full grown tape worm that was winning the fight in his body for the food he was eating. His arms and legs had grown so thin. He cried a lot. He didn't smile. I cried too. I just couldn't stand seeing a child in this state. Now most children in the village have worms. It's a common ailment among them but it usually doesn't make them this sick. Savior was also very poor and couldn't afford the medicines that would heal him. It weighed so heavy on my heart. I had to do something. I couldn't leave him like this. So I took him to see the town doctor who happened to not be in the clinic that day. There was a technician there though who agreed to help Savior. After all this, my heart had grown attached to this little boy. I got the medicine for him and left it with his grandmother to give him. As I drove away in the van that day I wondered if he had gotten the medicine soon enough. Would he live? Could he make it? Children often die before the age of 5 in Uganda. It's part of the rhythm of life there.

   Eight months later and I found myself in a van crossing the Savannah of northern Uganda on the five hour trek to Pakwach again. The sun was streaming through the window burning my skin. I laid down on the bench seat that I had to myself and watched the clouds in sky pass above my head and I thought about Savior.   I was afraid. I didn't think I'd feel that way but I was. I've experienced death recently and I know how it feels. I was anxious to find out if he was alive. We arrived in the camp late in the afternoon. I decided that I'd walk up to Savior's mud hut the next morning. I ate dinner and watched the stars in the night sky that are stunning in Pakwach. Because there is no electricity the night sky is inky black. You can distinctively see the Milky Way. I then went to bed early.

   The next day I walked across the camp and made my way to Savior's hut. Along the way several children joined me. They are so excited when something different happens in the village. A foreigner is a rare treat. They don't speak English so I couldn't ask them if he was ok. When I got to Savior's home I found that his grandmother was very sick with malaria. The children were all gathered around staring into the hut. It seems as though my heart would be stretched again. Where was Savior? He wasn't there. He wasn't in the camp. He was too poor to go to school. I asked where he was and the children ran off. What was this? Where did they go? What happened? I talked a few minutes with his grandmother trying to determine if she needed medicine to help her as well when all of a sudden this little boy comes running full speed down the hill and straight into my arms! I burst out crying! It was Savior! He was grinning from ear to ear! He was alive and well! My heart just lept. What a gift this was! Thank you God! Oh thank you! He looked great. He looked happy. He looked well! I just hugged him and we stood there admiring one another for a few moments. The first time I met him he was very afraid of me. I frightened him. I guess he'd never met a foreigner before. But not this time. I so wish I could speak Swahili. But in the end, we got along fine without using words at all. The $2.50 I spent on the medicine to save his life - well it worked. He's healthy and well.

   I have a lot of emotion invested in this little boy. I've seen him very sick. I bathed his dirty little body at the clinic. I've held him when he was afraid. It only takes minutes to form a bond. Savior represents all of the children of Uganda to me. He is the face I see in my prayers as I pray for them at night. I think his story is no different from the other children in the village and all across Africa for that matter. Next year I will return to Uganda again. I'll go up north and check on Savior and his family. I'm blessed beyond measure to be able to do this. I wonder what I'll find...

Living under His Grace and Mercy,
Staci

P.S. Savior's grandmother was up and cooking lunch the next day when I went to check on her. She'd beaten malaria one more time.

REFUGES IN AMERICA - What's Happening Right Here in Oklahoma City!

2010-11-09T08:34:00.000-08:00

Last night Eric and I went down to an apartment complex called Jamie's Landing in downtown Oklahoma City. In this apartment complex live people from all over the world but mostly from Burma, Sudan and Iraq. Oklahoma City was chosen to be a hub for refugees running from persecution and war torn countries. The US government allows a few people to come to the States each year to try to begin a new life. They are given three to six months of money and then they are on their own. Heart of God's bootcampers - missionaries in training - spend hours upon hours at Jamie's Landing trying to teach people English, helping them get a job, and enrolling their children in public schools - all tedious tasks if you are a foreigner who speaks little to no English. There is an English lab at the apartment complex with five computers loaded with Rosetta Stone. Adults go there to learn and our bootcampers help in the process. It is beautiful to see. I was completely moved by it. As I stood in the complex a Burmese man was standing outside his door wearing his ankle length skirt. In the apartment behind us, the windows were open and I could smell Asian noodles being made. An Iraqi woman smiled as we said hello as she walked by. I was so happy to be there. I had NO idea such a place existed. I am happy that our government is doing this. I hope one day we do it on an even greater scale! A boy of thirteen lives there and comes to the lab every day. He is there because he saw between 30 and 40 people murdered one at a time before him. He's safe now and housed and fed. His story is really no different from the rest. Our bootcampers have worked tirelessly for hours on end since July with the refugees. They will all graduate in two months and go overseas to begin their work but the people are coming in on planes daily. This is true foreign work right here in the middle of Oklahoma City. The joy that it has brought our bootcampers is immeasurable. They have formed close friendships with the refugees and will miss them so very much when they leave. We need missionaries to live and work there as their full time job. It is holistic ministry. It lights my little fire!

Then, and this is how God works, I came home last night to my little room at HGM and watched the movie "God Grew Tired of Us." This is so weird. I have had this movie probably six months and decided on a whim to pack it and watch it one night on campus in my room. I had no idea that when I left Jamie's Landing and came home and watched the movie that it was EXACTLY what was happening here in OK City. I really didn't know what the movie was about. God moves in such great ways. He speaks so loudly at times. Is that cool or what. The movie is about three young men from war torn Sudan who enter the refugee/relocation program and end up in New York state. It shows their struggles, their excitement at a new life and their longing to go home. You should most definitely watch it.

So that was my last night. I thought of you the entire time.

Staci

ANNE FRANK'S SECERET ANNEX - AMSTERDAM - THE NETHERLANDS

2010-10-27T10:45:00.000-07:00

Hello friends,
It has been over a month since I've posted on my little cyber spot of the world. I've been so busy these last six weeks. I counted the days and we've been home in North Little Rock 9 days out of the last six weeks! We've been traveling the world and it makes me come alive when I board a plane and head to a foreign country. This trip took us back to Uganda - to Kampala and Pakwach. I've posted a few of the some 4,500 pictures that I took on the trip. More will be coming with time. But on the way home I got a treat when Eric arranged that we stay overnight in Amsterdam so that I could visit Anne Frank's house. I have been fascinated with her my entire life as many of you have been. She is the voice of millions that suffered at the hands of the Nazis during World War II. I'm still amazed that this occurred during my mom and dad's lifetime. It just wasn't that long ago. How did this happen? Why did so many follow Hitler? How could they! It's a mystery to me. So I wanted to visit her annex myself and stand in the rooms where she lived over two years in hiding and try to feel what she felt and see how she lived. Here are a few pictures that I took in her house.


This portrait of Anne hangs on the wall outside the door leading to the Secret Annex.


The bookcase that swings open to the annex. The shelves still hold the files that were on it in the 40s.

Anne's room. The movie star pictures from magazines still hang on the walls. They are protected by clear plastic cases.

The church that Anne could see from her window. It has been restored and is used each Sunday.


The line outside Anne's house. We waited for 45 minutes to purchase our tickets. The tour of her house was self guided. You could linger in the rooms as long as you liked.

I'm glad that I got to go through the house and stand where she stood. I tried to imagine my life as a Jew during that time in history. The Jews are not the only ones who are suffering the same fate around the world. I would have hoped that mankind would have learned from WWII but we didn't. It still goes on today. Only when Christ returns will it stop. In the mean time, I'm thankful for Anne's voice that still speaks today on behalf of thousands who are being persecuted, tortured and slaughtered. If you ever get a chance to see the Annex, you should most certainly go.

Staci

"How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world."
Anne Frank

SOME DAY...

2010-09-18T22:12:00.000-07:00

Some day I will...

ride my wild pony...

across this high plains meadow...

and up into the mountains.

I'll see places like this...

and discover places like this.

I'll watch elk...

and bear...

and marmots.

And when I grow tired I'll spend the night here.

I'll sit in front of this fireplace...

and build a warm fire...

and drink a cup of cocoa.

When the fire has died down I'll crawl in bed here...

and snuggle this baby.


In the morning I'll find this.

Wanna come? You'll have to find your own bed and dog of course but you're welcome to tag along...

THE PRACTICE OF PEACE (& THURSDAY AT MY HOUSE)

2010-09-10T21:51:00.000-07:00

I'm so in the mood for fall. These last hot days of summer are wearing me out. I think we're all weary from the heat. Hobby Lobby had a bunch of stuff on sale this week in their floral department. I used to make wreaths with my Mom. I haven't made one in years...until today. I bought some things at HL and then brought them home and spread it out on the floor. With my wire cutters in hand, I began snipping and shaping away. This is what I ended up with:

And here's what went on at my house today...

MY Momma's kitchen.

I found these mismatched silverware for a dollar a piece at the antique store. I have a set of steel alphabet punches so I hammered out names into the handles.
Supper's ready...This is raspberry and cherry jam. It isn't hard to make - surprisingly! Stove and I are getting along better. But oven...that's a different story!Grace road her bike up to play Connect Four and Pente with Grant. They do this for hours.
Fall seems to be a time to slow down from the hectic pace that summer brings. The long shadows make the trees look magical in the late afternoon. It always brings me to a place of peace. I ran into a friend of mine at the apple orchard today. We talked about peace standing there among the apple trees with their branches heavy ladened. "The practice of peace" is something I have done since my mom got sick. I fold myself into Him, empty my mind of worries as best as I can, and let Him love me simply, sweetly and completely. I am renewed once again. He reminds me in those quiet moments of his sovereignty and that I am not blown in the wind. He cares for me emotionally. He is my friend.

Happy Almost Fall

Creating Art as Worship - A bit about scrapbooking digitally and other thoughts on art.

2010-08-21T16:55:00.000-07:00

I love art. I love to look at it and take the colors in. I love to create it - when I have the time. I love gazing at all the crayons in a new box of 120s or scanning all the fabrics in a quilting store. My head gets filled with all the hues and textures and it just makes me feel content. Actually, it's a feeling I can't really describe. Strange, isn't it. All I know is that when I create it is a form of worship for me. To create music, to scrapbook, paint or even clean and redecorate my kitchen is all an act of worship. God is there in the process (because I actively choose to include Him) and it becomes a way I share my day with Him. My life has changed so much over the last three years and that change has brought a lack of time with my scissors and paste. I was once a serious paper and tape scrapbooker and had been all my life. I worked as an artist briefly for Leisure Arts and was also published numerous times in Creative Keepsakes and Scrapbook Memories. I loved that and felt honored when one of my layouts would suddenly appear in one of their magazines. They would never let me know when it was going to be published. I would just have to go to the bookstore and thumb through them to see if one was in there. If there was, everybody in the store knew it because I was so excited! I never got over the "jumping up and down on the bed" kinda joy from being published. And even more funnier was the fact that I never told anyone about it. I never wanted anyone to think I was prideful of what I created when I actually thought there were numerous other artists around me that could just have easily been published. But as time marched on and the years went by, I lost the time it took to do paper and tape scrapbooking. And when my mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer the desire to create art died in me all together. She would say to me, "go make some art," but I never had it in me during her illness. It resurged a bit about a year after she died and now, three years later, I'm back in the swing of things. But I don't do anymore paper and tape scrapbooking. One reason I guess is because it's from my previous life with my mom being around and another reason is because it takes time and space to break out all those supplies and get started. Traveling like we do prohibits me from creating the explosion of bits of paper, pieces of ribbon, flowers being cut out of magazines and such to make a scrapbook layout. But I wanted to make something for Grant to remember his childhood. How do you do that without all that stuff? One day Eric told me he was going to the bank. When he came back from "the bank" (it was really Best Buy) he placed a Mac computer in my lap. "Scrapbook," he said. He knew I was interested in Photoshop but didn't have a laptop that could handle it. He knew I needed to create art again. And oh wow! What I've learned how to do on a computer since that day! It will blow your mind what some of these programs can do! I was frightened of learning Photoshop but you know, I can do enough now to just be dangerous with it! Everybody on a plane to Kampala, Uganda knew when I discovered how to do drop shadows in PH4! I was telling Eric, "Look! Look! Here is it!!! Drop shadows!" And it really is easy. After learning how to do Photoshop I discovered a neat little site on-line called Mixbook. It will let you upload pictures into their site and make a scrapbook and then - you can actually have it printed in book form!!! I've made books for China, India, Uganda, and several for Grant over the last two years. Their published books are beautiful and it's actually cheaper than having all those pictures developed. They provide all the background papers for you and even the stickers. Or, you can upload your own digital papers and stickers and make it completely unique and your own. That's what I do. If you'd like to see one of my books, come on by the house and I'll show it to you. Now I can scrapbook in Oklahoma, Uganda or sitting an airplane or traveling in the car. Below are some of the simplest scrapbook pages I've done and yet they're still so much fun to look at!

And this is what a digital kit looks like when you buy it. I get mine mostly from Shabby Pickle and Cat Scrap - on-line digital scrapbook stores. They download it onto my computer after I buy it and then I either use it in Photoshop or upload it into Mixbook.

Anyway, next time you start to create something, remember where that creative spirit came from - the Original Artist - and worship Him throughout the process. It makes the whole act of creating even more fulfilling and meaningful. And if you want to learn how to scrapbook on your computer just drop me a line. I love to teach people and I get to spend time with you too. It's a win win for me!

Staci

Some stuff I did for Heart of God's Nomads weekend.

A Post About Nuttin' Really

2010-07-28T09:23:00.000-07:00

This is a post about absolutely nuttin' really.... I thought I'd share with you one of my favorite places to visit on Flickr - The Granny Chic group. They put up such fun pictures of their favorite stuff and of their homes that it just draws me in. Here are a few samplings:

For some reason it reminds me of a chenille bedspread my grandmother had at the house on Tilles in Fort Smith. It was bumpy and I remember sleeping under it. I wish I had it today but it's long gone I'm afraid. I guess the Flickr group reminds me of my childhood in a way. Anyway...check it out: http://www.flickr.com/groups/granny_chic/

When Death Coes

2010-07-01T17:41:00.001-07:00

What happened to my Mom? She was here everyday of my life and suddenly she's gone. Her flowers are blooming in front of the house. But she doesn't come to trim them. Her truck is over there in the driveway. But she's not around to drive it. I'm sitting in her chair on the front porch but she doesn't come out to join me. What happened? People say "life's short" a lot. What I've figured out is that life isn't short. It's temporary. That's way different from being short. Now I wait on heaven to come. Because life on earth is so temporary, I don't value stuff much any more. I think about where I'm going and what I'll be doing. What will I be doing? I hope it has to do with dogs. Now I'm no longer stuck in the pain of the past but I can tell you that it's still weird - her not being here. I live in her house with all her things around me. Sometimes I clean up the pantry because I know if she saw it she'd have a fit. I wish she was here to have a fit. So death is a mystery to me. I really don't understand it. I figured out that it's not bad whatever it is. Still. I don't like it. "When we all get to heaven, what a day of rejoicing that will be." I'm waiting...

Momma and Murphy... It was just temporary after all...

UGANDA - A STORY ABOUT HER CHILDREN, WITCHCRAFT AND JESUS

2010-06-30T14:16:00.000-07:00

It was late at night when our plane landed in Kampala. I hate landing in a new country at night. I want to see the people. I want to see the landscape and houses. The darkness surrounded us so completely that the stars were touching the earth. I would have to wait until morning to see this new land. On the way to our hotel we passed through several villages. Even though it was late, fires were burning near the road and a wonderful smell of spices hung heavily in the air. I strained to see through my backseat window the people standing on the sides of the road. The driver of our van turned the radio on and suddenly "Can You See the Love Tonight" boomed in our van. It was straight out of the movie The Lion King. I guess I really had arrived in Africa. It was almost comical. I would hear several Lion King songs on the radio over the next few weeks while we traveled across Uganda. This movie celebrated their land, animals and culture. It brings pride to their people even today. After an hour, we arrived at our small hotel in the slums of Kampala. This hotel was nice though. I took off my shoes and the cool tile felt good on my feet. I slipped underneath the mosquito netting along side Eric and fell deep asleep. It had taken twenty-nine hours to get here. I knew it would be worth it.

Morning came and with it the sounds of cows mooing and cars honking. I love foreign countries. I love the sounds of the car horns announcing their presence on the roads. From my window I could see people walking everywhere - some with packages underneath their arms and others with bananas in baskets balanced upon their heads. I could hardly wait to get dressed and walk the streets. What was Uganda really like? Would I find joy or heartache? Are the people friendly or suspicious? Eric ordered breakfast for us and before I could even get out of bed a girl appeared in my room and handed me a plate of scrambled eggs and toast and a yellow banana. I sat in bed eating my breakfast quite content with the start of my day.

It was already sticky out when I got dressed. I knew it would be a hot day. By 10:30 we left the hotel and began the mile walk to our missionary's school. Here in the slums, an education was offered along with food and clothing and love. A lot of love. The school was surrounded by a tall brick wall and a gate with a tiny window in the door. We knocked and it swung open. It was just like The Wizard of Oz when Dorothy opened her door and the colors filled my eyes. There were children everywhere playing and chasing each other. There was shouting and wrestling and laughter. It was nothing like I had expected! The children were instantly interested in the mazugoos (foreigners) that had arrived. They surrounded us and began to bow on one knee when it was their turn to greet us. These children were not unloved and uncared for. I found just the opposite. They were clothed and fed. They were loved by Cari and her staff. They were learning to read and how to hold a pencil and how to write. I have never been so delighted! I was such a disruption that I couldn't stay in the classrooms to watch the morning session. All the children strained to look at me and to get my attention. If they only knew how much they captivated me! At lunch, Cari and I sat on the school porch and she would point out a child and tell me his or her story. "That one over there is a war refugee from a neighboring country," she said. "This one's mother just died of AIDS. She lives with her aunt now. That boy's dad was just killed on a motorcycle last week. We are loving on him a lot right now. This little girl is losing weight. We think she has HIV. That child lives in a house in the slums that floods with sewer water when it rains. And this one just came to live with me. He is a total orphan and needed a home. So he is mine now." And she smiled. I would have never thought any of this was true just by watching them play. It was loud jubiliant play! I would return for recess day after day just to sit and witness this while I was there. I didn't want to miss it. In the middle of the slums, Jesus shines brightly.

Cari took me on a walk around my hotel in the slums later that week. I had been sponsoring a child with her for over a year and wanted to meet him. He lived in the slums with his grandmother that was crippled and old. Both of Edwards parents had died and she was caring for him and his cousin. The houses in the slums were made of mud bricks. Some had doors and others had sheets hung on frames. There were children everywhere by the dozens. I found out walking with her that fifty-two percent of Ugandans are under the age of fifteen. That is a staggering number. This is the result of AIDS that has ravaged this land. She told me that Edward did not have AIDS. He was healthy and doing well in school. We walked down packed dirt alleys and around a mud brick shed and there was Edward sitting with his grandmother. I recognized him instantly from his picture. His grandmother was preparing to cook dinner for him. Edward immediately knelt down in front of us with respect. I still don't know what to do with that. The children are taught to speak quietly and softly. I always think that we Americans can learn so much good from other cultures. Just think what the whole world would be like if we were all so respectful of each other like the children of Uganda. Edward was a bit shy. He was clean and well mannered and talked quietly to Cari when she asked him how his day had been. I watched him sitting among us and loved him immediately. I had brought him a soccer ball all the way from America in my luggage. While walking to his house I noticed that the children were playing with sticks and can lids. They had nothing. The soccer ball would be a big hit in his part of the slum. When he saw it he immediately wanted to go play and suddenly ten or so kids showed up to join us. We played for some time with him and we all had a really good time. When we went back to his house I asked him if he needed anything. He got up without saying a word and went into the house. I looked at Cari and she just said wait. He came back out with a pencil and a piece of paper. He wrote his name down and then began writing a list: shoes, pencils, a math set, shoe polish, writing books, colored pencils and a piano. He handed me the list. The list was so precious to me. I have it upstairs in my desk drawer. He gave me his list of needs and then threw in the piano for good measure. I smiled at him and told him I'd be back the next day with these things. I knew I couldn't get him a piano but the rest I could most certainly do. I had him put his bare foot next to mine and I measured them so I could get at least close to his right size. We had all had a good time visiting this little boy in the slums. The joy is always mine on encounters like this. Why is that?

As we walked out of the slums Cari told me that witchcraft was practiced heavily in that area of Kampala. Did I know that Edward's grandmother was a witch doctor? I was stunned. She was kind to us. Edward was clean and well mannered. It never dawned on me that she was a practicing witch doctor! I'm so naive. And then Cari said, "When a family gets really strained and there is absolutely no money they still sacrifice a young child for wealth." "Are you serious?" I asked? Cari told me that of course she was and that it had happened just recently. The child just disappears one day and then the rumors begin. Kampala may be prominently a Christian country but evil still crawls around in the dirt among the people. What do you think about that? Sometimes I hear stories like this and I just can't believe that they are true. But they are.

I did return the next day with Edward's list. I went to his school and met his principal who turned out to be a hoot and flirted with Eric before he could tell her that he was married - to me! She just giggled. She is something else. She runs a huge school for the poorest of children. I could tell that she ran a tight ship too. She had it up and going well and was quite serious about her task. She was glad that Edward had our support and encouragement. Edward came in and I gave him his new shoes, the colored pencils and even a couple of story books that I had picked up in town. I'm just smitten by him. I want him to do well in school. I want him to be happy. I want him to know Jesus.

So in Uganda I found great joy! A sea of laughing, happy children at Cari's day school and I found despair in the slums where witchcraft is practiced and poverty drives people to do unthinkable things. I'm going back to Uganda in October. There is much work to do there. I want to watch the kids play at recess and I'll go up north to the village where we are starting a missionary training center for Ugandan believers. There are land deals to be made and papers to be signed and a little boy named Savior to be checked upon. I'm looking forward to it.

Does anyone have a tiny piano?

CHURCH AT JOE'S ADDICTION - VALLEY BROOK, OKLAHOMA

2010-06-29T10:59:00.001-07:00

John & Jamie started this church in a coffee shop that sits among the strip clubs of Valley Brook, Oklahoma. It has been a light in the darkness for many of the residents of this tiny town. Many have come to know Christ in the coffee shop over a cup of joe and an orange roll.

In a town poor and full of despair, Jesus shines brightly.

CHILDREN OF THE WORLD - A FEW OF MY FAVORITE PICTURES

2010-06-24T17:56:00.001-07:00

I realized that I don't take pictures of American children. I think it would be kinda weird in a way. But I do take hundreds of pictures of children overseas. Their little faces just move me - sometimes to tears. These photographs are the souvenirs of my trips. When I get home I'll scroll through them over and over. I can remember each face and where I took their picture believe it or not - even if I took them several years ago. I rarely forget a child and where I took their picture. So here are some of my favorites. If I had the money, I'd have each one printed and framed and put up on my wall. They are why I go overseas. They are why I have slept in hot beds full of ants, gone to the bathroom in stinky squatty potties where my shoes stuck to the floor, lost sleep for 29 hours at a time traveling and sat at dinner tables with intestines, chicken feet and heads and dog meat on the menu. None of it matters...at all. These children need Hope. They need to know of the love of God. They need the unwavering acceptance and grace that Jesus gives. When I board a plane to go overseas, my camera disks are empty and I have up to 4,500 image capacity available to shoot. I'm ready to meet them and know them. What a joy it is to travel this earth and see God's children.

This is China..

2010-05-31T22:18:00.000-07:00

What does JOY look like?

2010-05-31T16:51:00.000-07:00

Did you know when Jesus walked this earth children had no value. They were considered burdens and a nuisance. When parents brought their children to Jesus, the disciples tried to shoo them away. They did not want Jesus to be bothered with them. Jesus said, "Let the little children come unto me." And He blessed each one. This was just as significant then as it is today. Let those the world says have no value or worth come to Jesus. They shall be first and the first shall be last. I found these children in a preschool is Kampala, Uganda. Many are orphans from AIDS, about 40% have HIV. They are the poorest of the poor. Their houses flood with sewer water when it rains. Several have watched their mothers die. Their fathers were overwhelmed with the burden of raising a child and disappeared. But through it all, these children still have joy. It is written on their faces. They have hope. It is etched on their hearts. Every day they learn about Jesus, the one who loves them unconditionally and without boundaries or breaking points. This is what joy looks like. Take a look:

DO I GET ANOTHER DOG?

2010-05-31T06:10:00.000-07:00

So Murphy is gone and my heart is so heavy. I miss her little face, her silky ears, her long body, her chewed on tail. I miss snuggling with her and watching tv. She was a great snuggle bunny. I've never been without a dog before. I've had one my whole life. I believe they're tiny flecks of joy that God has tossed down to us from heaven to enjoy. But I don't have one! And Eric doesn't want me to get one. You see, I'm not right when it comes to my dog. I don't look at them and see a dog. Somehow, when I see their face, my brain translates the image into "baby." And it's all over with. I'm stuck. I won't leave them and I spend a bunch of time making sure they are happy and well. I worry. I mean - a lot! I can't help it or stop it. When Murphy got older it really kicked in. I became consumed with her health and worried I'd lose her at any minute. This went on for a very long time. She lived to be almost 15. Mmmmhmmmm...I was pretty wrapped up in the Long Brown Joy (Grant's name he gave her when he was 7). So Eric says we travel a lot and that's not going to stop. I won't be home to care for her and I get consumed and, although I look pretty normal when I actually do leave the house, that I'm crippled emotionally by them. The bottom line - he's right. I ain't right in the head when I have one - for real and we do travel a lot. We have been home two weeks out of the last five. I can take her with me to Oklahoma but I can't take her over seas. Maybe I should babysit. Do you guys need babysitters? I'm excellent! Maybe I need to start babysitting again for people when they go out of town! I don't think a "power play" will work this time with Eric. I've asked him if I could have one of following animals and he sweetly says no. Here's what I've asked him for: A new puppy! I love their soft tummies and baby breath! Yes! He was completely unmoved by this. How could that be!! Look at her!
How about a kitty? He said I could go hold September's kitty - she's four doors down. And there's Miriam in Oklahoma that I sleep with. No kitties!
A hamster? They are really cute! Grant and I had a hamster when he was little. Her name was Odie. "Remember when we had to take her to the vet and she got sick and pulled her hair out?" Eric reminded us. "And remember the funeral?" This was a no too. No hamsters he said.
What about a duck? I once had a duck that thought she was a turkey because she hatched with them. Her name was Quackers. She lived on my Aunt's farm. Eric said no to this too with no explanation.
Rabbits! Now that's an idea! Eric said, "Nope. Aimee has two. You can go hold them any time you like and as much as you want. No rabbits."
Now I've always wanted a Pygmy African goat! Now that's a great idea! And our backyard is full of weeds and tiny trees and stuff. She could eat it down! "Not that either," he said, "it would end up in the house if it even sprinkled." (He's right too... teeeheeheee."
Maybe, just maybe I could have a gold fish! They're low maintenance. I can't hold them and get too attached (or can I?). They're easy to care for and my dad could drop in a flake each day while I'm gone. Maybe that's it! We've had them before! I didn't think he would mind. I told him about it last night in bed before he went to sleep. He reminded me of my goldfish that I had when we got married. They were old by then, I'd had them through college. And then one day Jack's air bladder stopped working (the other fish's name was Cracker) and she spent her days upside down. This was distressing for me. And she had trouble eating upside down too. I would turn her right side up and actually feed her. She was fine! How hard was that just to turn her over and feed her. Not very! This went on for a long time... and well... he ended up having to feed her this way too, and my mom as well 'cause we traveled a lot, and my dad, and well my old goldfish was pretty high maintenance. In the end, Eric said no to my fish idea. But not completely. He told me I could have as many of these as I wanted: So there you go. I'm going to put them in a fish bowl on my table. Don't forget that babysittin' thing everybody!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MURPHY SUE!

2010-05-18T20:54:00.000-07:00

Today would have been Murphy's 15th birthday. She came within 28 days of it. Oh how I miss her! Murphy got more blog hits than any subject I wrote about - including God's grace. It was tight but she won in the end. Happy Birthday Murphin. I'll see you soon!

2010-05-13T21:52:00.000-07:00

I'm on my way to Van Buren today to celebrate my grandmother's 92nd birthday. I remember when she was 55... We were standing in front of a forsythia bush having our Easter pictures made. I don't know why I asked her, I was six at the time, but I wanted to know how old she was. She told me 55. Now she just turned 92. Suddenly it's 37 years later. Where DID all that time go? We used to camp (no electricity - it was for whimps) down at Denby Point on Lake Ouachita. We canned green beans at the farm under the cedar trees. We had big flocked trees at Christmas time at the house on Tilles Avenue. We did all kinds of stuff. It's so strange how times change. Well...all that doesn't really matter now does it? But a tea party for my grandmother does. It's today at 1:00. I'm on my way... Happy Birthday Grandmother!

He's Got The Whole World In His Hands...

2010-05-13T15:02:00.000-07:00

These are just people we've met along the way. I would say that they are "people of peace" - those people that are open to Him but don't even know it themselves. God puts them in our lives and if we're paying attention we'll notice them - yes even here at home. I hope I'm paying attention...

PETER RABBIT

2010-05-13T08:19:00.001-07:00

These are Stephen and Hannah's bunnies...

ONCE UPON A TIME...

2010-05-10T14:58:00.000-07:00

After highschool, I ran off and joined the circus. I didn't do anything glamorous... just sold programs and helped with the elephants before and after the shows. After that, I went to college, met Eric and married him 2 1/2 years later.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY MOM!

2010-05-09T07:15:00.001-07:00

Thank you Momma for all you did for me. Thank you for loving me unconditionally. Thank you for cheering me on. Thank you for teaching me how to live in contentment through illness and with chronic pain. Thank you for spoiling me and loving me just as I am. I love you Mom. See you soon.

HENNY PENNY - AT THE CHICKEN COOP FRIDAY AFTERNOON

2010-05-07T17:32:00.000-07:00

I miss going to the farm when I was young. I miss our duck that thought he was a turkey. I miss Bobbin, our horse, that thought he was a dog. There was the bull that liked his head to be scratched and the oppossum that had a nest in the hay barn. In the summer the grasshoppers would buzz loudly and jump as I walked across the field with the sun beating down on my head. I miss canning green beans under the cedar trees out back and fishing with my cousins. I miss my Grandfather picking tomatoes from his garden and my Grandmother cooking in the kitchen. I miss swimming in the creek and ripping my cutoffs on the slick rocks. Don't you miss the country?

WHAT'S YOUR PASSION? Here's How God Made Me:

2010-05-07T13:07:00.000-07:00

I love a wintery day with dark gray skies and the flakes drifting down - especially if I'm warm by a fireplace in a cabin in Colorado...

I'm a dog lover. It doesn't matter what size - big or small, short or tall. I think they're little flecks of joy that God tossed out of heaven into this world for us to enjoy.

I love art. The box of 66 Crayons still moves me. I like to work in photoshop and with glue, scissors and paper. Hmmmmhmmm... A good art show floats my wee boat.

I take pictures - and lots of them. If you travel with me this is what I look like overseas. I'm a Nikon girl.

I love to travel. I'll go anywhere. I'm up for adventure and love to immerse myself in new cultures, explore new places and meet new faces. Mmmmmm...I count the weeks and days until I can go.

And lastly, I love to talk about God's Grace and what that means for us. It's transforming. It's earth shattering. It's magnificent. It changed my entire life. Wanna talk about it?

So what is it that makes you you? God gave each one of us a passion for something. It's what makes you an individual. It's what makes you tick. And I believe He intends for us to use them to bring Him glory. When I do, it makes me feel complete. I have other passions as well that come out at different times. I love taking pictures of children of this world. I want people to know how desperately they need to hear of God's love and sometimes they really need your help. I can get consumed with that. Get me going on Grace and the world's children and I'll never finish this post... Find your passion. It's tied in to what God wants you to do to magnify Him.

How I Began Wearing Vacation T-Shirts and How I Left Them Behind

2010-05-06T20:06:00.000-07:00

I've got a bit of a fashion problem. If you know me AT ALL you know that I wear vacation t-shirts EVERY DAY during the summer months - which for me begins in late February and lasts until early December. I'm stuck you see. It started with the "fat arm gene" that runs in my family. The fashion industry decided that all womens' shirts should have "capped" sleeves. What a nightmare. Capped sleeves just magnify my "fluffy" arms. But...vacation t-shirts... now they still had the old cut to them. So I began collecting t-shirts where ever I would go. I've got them from all over the world. Mmmhmmm...I really do. Probably a total of 25 or so. Maybe more.. Next here comes the sad part, when my momma got sick, I could care less what I had on my body. Anything that was comfortable - that's what I would wear. We were at home a lot or at the hospital. Day in and day out, that's what I would put on. I didn't have to think about it. I wasn't going to dress up...it wasn't a "normal" day for us after she got cancer. We were just staying at home and being happy in the moment. Ok, so then momma died. I had to rebuild my life. My wardrobe was not in this picture at the time. But before I could catch my breath, my dad almost died. He spent over two months in the hospital and rehab and there I was again, at his bedside wearing my vacation t-shirts. Gradually daddy got better. And today he is doing quite well. But I still didn't care about what I put on. Last year I spent the year sorting things out in my mind of all the things that had happened and how they had changed me - for the good - not the bad. Now only God can do that. At the end of the day, I didn't have enough "day" left over to go out and shop. I'm not a shopping girl anyway. Really. My mother always took me and said, "That looks good. Get that," or "no, no, it has those capped sleeves." I've done a bunch of firsts in these last two years - the first time I went to Kroger after she died, the first time I went to Cothams, the first time I went to Fort Smith. And the list goes on and on.... Changing my shirt was not on my radar. It just didn't rank in the things I needed to think about. Then came Murphy Sue. She was getting older and honestly, you can think of me what you want to 'cause my self esteem is so good that I really don't care, I wouldn't leave her! I just couldn't do it. I would go to Oklahoma when I needed to, or to Monica's house (she would go with me of course) or the grocery store. But I wasn't going shopping. I would be gone maybe an hour or so and back home I went. It was a routine I got into with my mom and one I kept up - this not being gone long from the house thing. Two things happened last week: A) We actually signed the papers and sold our house! And 2) Murphy died last Thursday night. One event was joyous, the other complete sorrow. Oh how I miss her! I made it through last weekend and Monday came. I had on my new Uganda t-shirt. It was red with giraffes stitched on it. It's really cool. It's my favorite color of red and it's good quality too! Hard to find overseas. I was wearing it when I looked at my bathtub and found it horrifying! Good grief. There was that mung stuff stuck to the sides. The only thing that really works on it is . . . bleach. Now I'm not the kind of girl to mess around. When I use bleach I don't dilute it at all. Why weaken it and have to spray twice? Just blast away full strength the first time, lift the window and leave it for awhile. I don't know when it happened. I don't know how it happened. But a droplet of bleach flew up and landed on my giraffes. Oh NO! I hurriedly splashed water on it but, alas, the damage had been done. The white spot was permanent. My new vacation t-shirt was ruined. "Why don't you go shopping," Eric said looking at me over the top of his reading glasses. "We just sold the house. Take a little and buy you some new shirts." Now every other girl fantasizes about having her husband say this to her. But me? Ooooohhhhh....I hate to shop. "Go get you some shirts that don't have a destination written on them. That's your chore for the day," he said. He's always cheering me on. He tells me I'm beautiful when my face is completely broken out and my clothes are from The Great Wall of China. He really doesn't care what I look like. He just loves me. But he knew I wanted to change. He knew I needed to change - for my head, you see. I got up and got my purse/bag/thing that I got in Tibet and headed out the door. Are the capped shirts still out there? What would Stacey and Clinton do with me? Can I remember all their "rules" while I shop? What IS my style? I came home several hours later after trying on a ton of shirts and this is what I came up with: I like t-shirts (no destination), the longer ones, that have a little shape to them and scarves. Yep...scarves. The Rew girls went mad! "Look! Loooooook! Oh I do love this, Staci... You should get a scarf for every shirt you buy." It's a sorta hippie look I guess. But I like it. I'm out of my vacation t-shirts, unless you come by and I'm still in my pjs. I'm wearing them to bed at night. I can't give them up all together now can I? And so that's how I began wearing vacation t-shirts over the last 3 1/2 years and that's how I stopped.

* Top photo taken last year in Mexico. Second photo taken in Shanghai, China on one of the "biggest shopping streets in the WORLD!" two years ago - 2008. Below: The new look!

MURPHY SUE'S LAST DAY - God Paints Beautiful Pictures of the Days of My Life

2010-05-02T07:37:00.000-07:00

I need God to love Murphy not because I love her but because He loves her as His own creation too. I need His love for her to be separate and independent from mine. I know He does this for people, but I needed him to do it for her - a little, old, much loved dog. Does He? Does He love her like I do? I know He does. I know it because of how He paints the pictures of my life. Is it a desperation and a reasoning through my loss of her that I've made this stuff up? I don't think so. My reasoning and thought processes are folly to Him the majority of the time. It brings a bit of a smile to His face. Especially when I get it right. Especially when He gives me a peace that I've looked at Him as my God and He looked at me as His very own and we know each other. Yes He knows me - every corner and crevice of me. The good and the bad. And because of His love and grace, because that is the core of His being, He loves me regardlessly. He loves me unconditionally without boundary, limits or breaking points. He loves me recklessly. He loves me as I am and not as I should be. He loves me whether I'm wallowing in the filth of my sin or on my knees in quiet worship of Him. He loves me because He is the I Am. He is driven unmercifully to reach me in my moments of fear and anxiety. He reigns over these areas of my life now. I've asked Him to. I've told Him before hand that I can't handle it. Take over and do it for me. I've lifted my hands to heaven asked Him to pick me up. I'm afraid. Hold me tight. He does... I used to have a sorta pray pyramid of needs in my mind. At the top was health. The next level was money. And after that, well...I never got to pray beyond the first two levels really. But then I figured out several years ago that sickness and death will come. What I needed from God was for Him to take care of me emotionally. That's it. I don't have a prayer pyramid now. I've looked around - the mortality rate is 100%. This trying to hold back death and the fear that it will come was dominating my life. My mother had pancreatic cancer at the time. When a doctor can diagnose this type of cancer it's already in stage 4. How do you deal with that? I was shattered in the doctor's office into a millions pieces like a fine china plate that had hit a stone floor. Could God find the tiniest of slivers of me and put me back together? Could He? I figured out that I did have a choice to make. I could hold on to my crippling fear and anxiety or I could ask Him to come in and destroy it. I didn't even have the strength at the time to ask. He gave that to me too. I just knew what I needed from Him. "Come in...come in. Blanket me with your love. Cover me with your peace. Comfort me in my fear. I don't want fear and anxiety to shadow me my whole life. Reign over me Lord. Please come." He did. Fear and anxiety still come but they don't consume me until that is what I am. A life riveted and controlled by trying to hold back death and waiting for it to come. He began teaching me His ways through my mothers sickness and death. He is perfecting it more through Murphy. How does He do this? I don't know. I just know I've let Him do it in me. He did it. Not me. I actually had nothing to do with it. I certainly can't reason myself into thinking everything is alright when it most certainly is not. How can pancreatic cancer by ok in my life? How can congestive heart failure in my grandmother and my old dog that I love (ridiculously) be ok? It simply can't. It's the mystery of His love that keeps me from destroying myself. It's the gift of His grace that keeps me intact. The bottom line is, during these hard times in my life I run desperately to Him to sit with Him. I don't say anything. He doesn't say anything. I sit with Him and He sits with me. After doing this for hour upon hour and sometimes days at a time, it's His presence in my life that let's me know I'm going to be ok. That Mom is ok. That Murphy is ok. He does love her independently of my love. She is His creation. He looked at her and said, "This is good." And it was! And I delighted in her and what He had made! Grant called her his, "Long Brown Joy." Eric would say that she was a doodle that God made and then blew life into. She was a fleck of His joy and innocence that God placed in my life. And now I will tell you about her last day and how God paints beautiful pictures on the most terrible of days.

Murphy once was not mine. She belonged to my friend, Monica, who became ill and could no longer care for her. Monica asked me to keep her. I already had babysat Murphy for years when Monica traveled out of town for her work. I already loved Murphy. Of course I said yes. At that time Murphy had already lived with me for a year. It had taken Monica that long to get to the point where she could go home. She had spent a year in hospitals and rehabs. I was in China when the rehab in Denver released Monica and sent her home to start her new life. My Mom and Dad kept Murphy while I traveled. We live in the same house. Murph was always home even when I had to be gone myself. After Monica came home we fell into a routine where Murphy and I would go to Monica's house every Thursday for an afternoon visit. Murphy would sleep in Monica's lap and the two of us would chat the afternoon away. Well, I will chat and Monica will listen to me endlessly because I'm hyper like that. Last Thursday was just the same. It was a normal morning for us. Dr. Allen, Murphy's vet, diagnosed Murphy with congestive heart failure last October. We had kept it under control for months. I thought she was a little off that morning but we all have those days. She showed no signs of trouble. No coughing or panting or hard breathing. She barked for her breakfast and I prepared it as quickly as I could - in obedience - of course. I threw her pebbles across the floor and she chased them like any other day. After these daily events, she sat in my lap and cleaned her paws and I checked my e-mails. This has gone on for years now. Our little morning routine. After lunch, I took Murphy over to see Monica. It was Thursday. When we got there, Murphy roamed the house for a bit and I finally picked her up and she took a nap in Monica's lap. She's done this many times. She gets sleepy after she eats lunch too. We talked the afternoon away. I told Monica about Nomads, Uganda and all kinds of stuff. Monica just listens to me ramble away. Murphy snoozed happily in Monica's lap. Thank you, Monica, for your friendship. Afterwards, Murphy and I got in the car and headed home. On the way home, as she was sitting in my lap and sniffing out the window, a seizure gripped her body. Her legs began to tremble and her head began to shake. I held on to her tightly as I drove down JFK. I was two miles from home. If it had been up to me, I would have panicked and cried. I would have screamed out in fear. But something happened in the car with the two of us. A calmness blanketed me. It covered me from head to toe. It stilled my heart. I was thinking clearly in those horrible minutes. I took a back street home and stopped the car at the end of our driveway. Grant came out of the house (he never does this) and stood on the porch. I told him to go get his daddy and call Dr. Allen and tell him I'm on my way. He ran and did both. Eric drove Murphy and I to Dr. Allen's office. I talked to her the whole way, "It's ok. I'm right here. You're ok. I love you. Shhhhh. Shhhhh." I lovingly ran my hands lightly over her body as she laid in her nest in my lap. Dr. Allen sent me to his surgery room and I placed her there upon a table. He immediately sedated her. The seizure stopped. Relief swept over me. She was peaceful now. As he worked on her I noticed another lady in the room with me. Her dog was lying motionless on the table next to mine. I knew she had just lost her dog. I walked outside of Dr. Allen's office to pray. Pray for Murphy. Pray for me. Pray for Dr. Allen. "Help us make the right decisions for her, Lord. Please help." The lady came out. I looked at her and said, "I'm sorry about your dog." She began to cry. "Let's sit down on the curb together," I said. And she came. She told me how she was alone. Her husband was out of town. She had no children. Her six year old dog, Sissy, had just had multiple seizures and her heart had just stopped. I listened. That very thing was playing out in the surgery room at that moment with Murphy. I told her what was happening with Murphy. She completely understood and we instantly had a bond. "God is punishing me," she said through her tears. "I haven't been to church in over a year. They're cliquish and I don't have money to keep up with them. God took her because I just can't take it." I looked at her astounded. "Why in the world would you think that?" I asked. "God is not a God who punishes us like that. He is first and foremost the God of Love and Grace." She listened. We talked on and I told her about God's Love for us and then about Grace and it's true definition - God's definition - not man's. I knew in those terrible moments with Murphy that God had given me a divine appointment. I knew it. God was there on the curb with me. He was hovering over Murphy. The lady and I shared our grief together. Mine was not complete at the time. Murphy's heart would give out some six hours later. It was late that evening when Dr. Allen called me to tell me she didn't make it. I wept uncontrollably. I was a mess in a heap on the floor. The boys didn't know what to do with me. I said, "Leave me alone. I'll be ok. It's ok to cry. I'm ok. Let me cry." They were satisfied then after I told them I was ok - even when I was crying. Wave after wave came. Memories were pouring in. The stress of the evening had left me weary. But as I cried, I saw the picture that God had painted. It's colors were so bright and vibrant. It was so alive! Murphy and I had our usual sweet morning. And then we spent the afternoon over at Monica's together. Eric had always reassured me that he would be home on Murphy's last day. He was. He was in the country and he was actually at home. Dr. Allen, he was in his office. It wasn't his day off. And lastly, God used me to reach someone who needed to hear again of His Love in her moment of grief. And how he strengthened her understanding of Him in her despair. On such a terrible day, I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. Everyone was in place that day, including the lady who shared the curb with me. These pictures that I see in the darkest moments of my life are gifts from God. I cherish them. I am thankful that I can see His work and know that I'm not blown in the wind by circumstances in my life. That He reaches out to others even in these dark moments. That He is desperate to show His love for them and comfort them as well. If God thought my love for Murphy was foolish He wouldn't have acted as He did that day. But He doesn't. He grabbed my heart and made it ok - just like He did when Momma died. He spoke truth to someone in need in her dark moment. Oh God is so very good. Thank you God for Murphy Sue. Thank you for letting me delight in her. Thank you for the joy she brought me. Thank you that you let me have her until she was almost 15. She was a blessing to me. Thank you Monica for the gift.

Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted.

The Boy Who Didn't Play

2010-04-12T08:42:00.000-07:00

What does it take to change a life? Is it beyond our reach to really make a difference? Perhaps the commitment is too great. Does it require too much money? Too much time? Too much emotion? Sometimes God stands someone before you and tells you plainly - this one is yours. He's your responsibility. Help Me help him.

This is Savior Oteema. I met him in Pakwach, Uganda at the camp where we were staying. He caught my attention because all the other children were yelling and playing happily around me - "Look! A foreigner! A mzungu!" - but he stood quiet and motionless at the gate. I stopped what I was doing and looked at him as the chaos continued around me. I was handing out Smarties, those little tablets of sweet sugar, one by one to the kids. Then I would take their picture and show them their faces on my camera. This caused an eruption of laughter and more candies and more pictures. But all along, in the background, stood this tiny boy. His feet never moved. His arms hung down on each side. The expression of deep sadness on his face never changed. I walked over to him and bent down on his level. A tear slid down his cheek. My eyes welled up immediately. I put a Smarty in his hand. He held on to it but didn't eat it. I ate one to show him it was ok. He bit a tiny piece off. I gave him another and smiled at him. By that time the kids had all gathered around me so I stood up and walked back over to the van I'd gotten out of to get more Smarties. I continued to play with the neighborhood kids for quite some time and watch the little boy by the gate who never joined in and never smiled. That night in bed I prayed about him. "God, if I can help him remind me tomorrow and I'll do it. Is he too far gone? Tell me what to do." In the morning I immediately thought of him when I woke up. I hadn't said a word to Eric about him until then. I told Eric and asked him if Alex, the man who ran the camp, could help me take the boy to the doctor. Eric left and came back and said that yes, Alex would help if we could find him. I knew I could find him because I wouldn't give up until I did. I had his picture in my camera. All I had to do was ask the children where he lived and they would lead me straight to him.

Foreigners are a rare site at the camp we stayed in along the Nile. I could look out my window and see it's wide, smooth water just beyond the trees. It's a beautiful place but a hard place to live. There is no electricity in Pakwach and few have running water. If you do have water in your home, you still have to boil it to use it. This is where the little boy lived. In a round hut within site of the Nile River. The children had been waiting for me to appear that morning. When I asked them they took me to the boy's grandmother and she came out immediately to meet me. She had heard that there were foreigners at the camp. I told her what I wanted to do. Relief came across her face. I could tell that she was deeply worried about her grandson. "What is his name," I asked? "It's Savior. Savior Oteema. Thank you. Thank you. Please take him to the doctor. Thank you." Savior stood there and immediately began to cry and shake. The foreigner had come for him. And she was taking him away! In a van! I realized I was frightening him and didn't want him to become traumatized. I asked two of his cousins to go with me and the two older boys grabbed him up and put him crying into the van. The ride to the doctor took three minutes. Help was only three minutes away but without money, this child would die in sight of the clinic. His tummy was sticking out you see - far. It was bloated and huge and swollen. I really hadn't see many children in this condition in Uganda, surprisingly. When we arrived at the doctor's clinic the lady behind the desk spoke sharply to me. She didn't want to treat him. This made Alex mad. They would not treat a child brought in by a foreigner. Alex stood his ground and I did too! I decided I'd wait them out. I'd sit on that bench with Savior until they grew weary of looking at my smiling face. I would be nice, kind, and PATIENT. I'd wait them out. I think she could tell I wasn't one to give up. She asked me to bring Savior to the courtyard in the back behind the building. "Give him a bath. He's too dirty to see," she said and placed a bar of soap in my hand and a tub of water at our feet and walked off. Now Savior had just stopped crying but I knew it would begin again. I had to take his clothes off and bath him. As I did he began to quietly cry and so did I. Men don't give children baths. That's women's work. I talked to him quietly and told him that it would be ok, I wasn't going to hurt him, he'd feel better tomorrow when we got him some medicine. I cried and he cried. "God, please let this be something treatable!" After his bath, the woman took a sample from him and a lab technician looked at it under a microscope. He came immediately for me. "Which one is sick?" he asked. I pointed to Savior. He looked me straight in the eye, "He is very ill. Do you understand this?" "Yes," I said, "that's why I brought him here today." The lab technician gave him three kinds of medicine: one for a tape worm that was fully grown in his tummy and two for parasites that had also taken up residence there. "Don't miss a dose." And that was it.

We happily got into the van. Even Savior went willingly this time. He'd stopped crying and realized I was not going to hurt him. In the van I gave him fresh water to drink. The water in the Nile, the water that Savior drinks, is fine if you boil it. I don't think his grandmother had been boiling it long enough. I would need to talk to her about this. When we arrived back at his home, his grandmother came running out of her hut. I gave her the medicines and gave Savior his first dose. I handed it to him myself. I told her not to share the medicine with other children. This medicine will only work on Savior. She understood. She understood completely so she pushed three more of her grandchildren in front of me. I was on my knees in that red, now familiar dirt, and lifted up their shirts. There were the bulging tummies. Alex said to me, "You can't save them all, Staci." I thought for a moment and then replied, "No, I can't," I said, "but I can save the ones that God stands before me." With this he smiled. I stood up and gave him more money. "Will you take these three in this afternoon?" I asked him. "Of course," he said. "I'll do it today."

It cost $2.50 to save Savior's life.

Momma - September 9, 1942 - March 11, 2008

2010-03-10T20:53:00.000-08:00

I dreaded this day last year. It was so hard to look back on the seven months before my mom died of pancreatic cancer. I didn't want to look back. The memories just took up every corner and crevice of my mind. I had a time line of events going on in my head. I could tell you where we were and what we were doing for days before she died. I loved my mom. We all got along so well that Eric added on to her house and we moved in with her a year before she was diagnosed. It was a gift. That year was the happiest Christmas of my life. I remember standing outside under the stars that Christmas and saying a prayer of thanks for the special time with my little family - my mom & dad, grandmother, Eric, Grant and me. Everyone was happy and healthy. There were no big troubles in our lives. Even the old dog was well. If you came by my house that year you had to cut a snowflake out of typing paper and tape it to my back french doors. It was that same year that mom began having signs of trouble. In September of 2007 she was sick and by October we knew what she had. By the time a doctor can diagnose pancreatic cancer it is in stage 4 - terminal. I knew that only God could save her. She would either die or God would miraculously heal her. I was holding out on the latter. I had seen so many healings in India. They are real and happen frequently. A Walgreens add on the tv played over and over again a song that talked about ordinary miracles. I needed an ordinary miracle from God for my mom. It might not be ordinary for me but it was for Him. During those seven months we tried to live normal lives in the house. I did find myself in a place where I couldn't bear to leave her. I would fall apart. She wouldn't. I did. If I left for a dinner the time away was excruciating. When I was at home with her I was ok. Sometimes I would wake up from a deep sleep crying out her name. I had been traumatized that fall day in the doctor's office when he sadly told my mom with sweet compassion what she had. He had tears in his eyes too. If God was going to take her, how would I ever get through the day she would die. Now death, if we admit it, is a scary thing. We don't know what happens as we walk through it to the other side. Meaning, I've never seen Heaven and I really wanted to know what it was like to be there. The scary part for me was not knowing what it was like where she was going. I know this sounds crazy but that's what my major problem was. People write about their near death experiences about Heaven and the books sell by millions. Apparently there are a lot of folks who want to know a bit more about Heaven than what is hinted at in the Bible. I believe it's real but I'd sure like to see it for myself. We are secure in our Salvation, so hell wasn't apart of my thinking. Fast forward to the day mom died seven months later. That morning when she woke up she couldn't breath well. She tried to catch her breath but just couldn't. She felt weak too. I turned the knob up on her oxygen to help her breath easier. She finally said that we needed to call an ambulance, it was too hard for her to go get into the car, that she thought she had another blood clot in her lungs. I boosted the oxygen more and Eric called. All day long at the hospital they were trying to balance her blood pressure which was bottoming out and her fluids. They told me when they finally moved her up into ICU that they would wean her off the meds and send her back home in a few days. I was ok with that. I could wait while they weaned her off. We'd waited three weeks at St. Vincent for her blood clots to melt in her lungs enough to go home. We could do this. My mom was talking calmly and clearly. She talked perfectly fine. I went home to eat while they settled her in. The ICU unit made me leave. But I was back 15 minutes before they let anyone back in. I fell apart in the hall because a sense of desperation settled in on me. I needed to see her now. The doors swung open to the unit and a man walked out and saw my tears. "Why are you crying?" he asked. I told him of my mother. He said that he was in charge of that unit and of course I could go in right now. I didn't have to wait a second longer. When I walked into her room she held her had out to me and I took it. She calmly told me that she couldn't do it any more. She wanted all those tubes and bags taken away. She did want pain medicine so she could sleep. The pain was full force. She hadn't had ANY pain until that evening. Pancreatic cancer is supposed to be the most painful of cancers. Mom's pain didn't come until that night. Eric called Dr. Baltz and he ordered her medicine. We talked while we waited for the meds to come and Momma wanted Daddy to come up. He was still at home at that time. We talked another hour and a half or so. I knew I was saying goodbye to my mom. I knew she was ready to go. She told how she loved each one of us. Would Eric talk at her funeral? Eric asked her if she would send down some secrets about the trinity and stuff like that. Daddy got there and the medicine arrived. One of the last things I said to her was that I promised her that if I saw her stir I wouldn't let her wake up. I'd get her more pain medicine. She was satisfied with that. Would I call Grandmother every day? Of course I would - and do. The nurse pushed the medicine into her IV and mom immediately fell into a deep sleep. The monitors above our heads beeped away. I sat in the chair next to her bed holding her hand as the beeping got slower and still slower. I was watching my mom's face and suddenly this huge rush of relief flooded over me. She was set free! Mom was fine! She wasn't there anymore! I know the monitors said differently but she wasn't there! Eric! She's not here anymore! He knew it too! We began to sing, "When we all get to heaven, what a day of rejoicing that will be! When we all see Jesus, we'll sing and shout the victory!" It was a VICTORY! Death where was your sting? It wasn't there! Fear had been destroyed! Anxiety was gone. For me and for her! And I was giddy with joy! It was one of the most painful and sweetest moments of my life. I found myself for days wanting to be back in her room in ICU with her in those last moments longing to relive what had just happened. Jesus had come. He had blanketed His peace upon us. He had given us joy in what should have been a horrible moment. Instead my heart just sang! From my reaction in the doctors office that October afternoon to the night she died I would have never thought that this is how it would be - the moment my momma died. Everything was ok. Momma was ok. I was ok. Heaven was ok. We all made it. And we all did well. I knew He was pleased with our journey. It was covered by His Grace - each moment that ticked away those weeks and months before she died. I didn't cry that night. I didn't need to. She was safe and where she needed and wanted to be. I crawled into bed late that evening already missing her but I knew she was in Heaven seeing Jesus and so many people that had gone before her. My grandfather for one. And he was surprised at her arrival but that's another story. I fell sweetly asleep knowing she was busy and happy. Only God can take a heart like mine, wrapped in fear, crippling anxiety, and worry and set it free in the hour of my mom's death. He did the same for her. Isn't He absolutely magnificent.

Aunt Pearl Twiddles & The National Doily Day Conference

2010-03-10T20:19:00.000-08:00

I called my Aunt Pearl this afternoon. Today was National Doily Day and I wanted to know how the convention went. She answered the phone breathless. I knew she had run to catch it before it stopped ringing. “How was the convention,” I asked? I could hear the glee in her voice as she described the mornings events. The convention was held down at the IHOP on Main. There were 12 people there! Up six from last year! Dr. Edward J. Burgerwinster spoke for two and half hours! The way he described pearling and tatting left the entire crowd speechless! It was so moving! Everybody was there: Gretel, the Darlington sisters - Beatrice and Bertha (we still can’t tell them apart), Lily Mae Edding, Opal Louise Brunston and of course Dori and my Aunt Pearl. I could tell by the grunting in the background as Aunt Pearl talked that Uncle Boris was sad he didn’t go. Pearl said the IHOP hadn’t shined like that in years! Why everyone brought a doily and placed it under their plates. Everybody used a doily as a handkerchief and Dr. Burgerwinster placed one in the pocket of his jacket instead of a fresh flower! “You know, the creative uses of doilies will just stun you!” she said. They had an in-depth discussion about framing (so as not to smash them) and various other uses and placement of ceramics on top of them. To center or not? You wouldn’t want to hide the doily from view! You could also tack them onto the front of your Sunday shirts. Then all of a sudden she dropped the phone and ran off. I heard her footsteps as she ran down the hall. Uncle Boris picked up the phone. “What is she doing?” I asked. “I think she’s moving her doilies around in the bathroom." I decided I’d drop by later to see where she’d put them around the house. It was a big day. I’ll have to go now since she’ll probably be worn out from all the excitement and go to bed early tonight.

* Picture - Uncle Boris and Aunt Pearl Twiddles after the National Doily Day Convention - Detcherd, Tennessee - March 2010

Did you play Old Maid with this set of cards?

2010-03-09T08:45:00.001-08:00

I loved these Whitman Old Maid cards from the 60's. This is the set I had when I was a kid. They came in a little, clear plastic box. I'd love to have a set today. Mine are long gone... Did you play Old Maid with a deck like this?

THE ADVENTURES OF CROCKPOT GIRL!

2010-03-07T21:01:00.000-08:00

I can't cook. I don't want to cook. Actually, I'd rather scrub our toilets than cook! But I live with three men. And it's just me - one girl. And we all know that somehow, or at least the majority of the time, the guys you live with think because you're the girl your supposed to cook - like every day! This just floors me. No, they don't ask me to cook but their big, watery, hungry eyes plead to me to at least do a little something! What am I to do? Oven doesn't cooperate. When I put it on 350F it soars to 425F and burns everything to a crisp! Stove...well...that's not much better. It tends to want to boil over the stuff I put in pans. And then it dawned on me. . . the crockpot! I haven't tried the crockpot! I found it in the back of Mom's pantry covered in dust. I washed it off and plugged it into the wall and it still works! Now, what to put in it? I began asking my friends for suggestions and a theme developed. With the majority of things you can put in a crockpot one item stood out and shined above them all. Cream of mushroom soup! You can put all kinds of meat in a crockpot and if you cover it with mushroom soup - Walla! Instant joy at the dinner table! So I've had two adventures so far - chicken and rice with cream of mushroom soup and I shoved a roast down into it one night last week. Literally shoved it down in there. It wouldn't fit! There are three guys in my house. No wimpy roast will suffice here. But you know, it cooked up just perfectly! Now the rice turned out to be a gluttonous goo but they all loved it anyway! They want the gooey chicken again! And the roast and tattas come out great as well! So if you have any suggestions for Crockpot Girl let me know. I think I've found my friend in the kitchen!

The First Signs of Spring

2010-02-24T13:08:00.001-08:00

I took my camera out in search of the first signs of spring today. Guess what! I found some!

I drove through the parking lot at Lowes to see if they had any pansys and they were pulling them right off the truck when we drove up! Lucky me! Ok - so the bird nest with the egg was staged. The birdbath is still frozen over. I don't think it's egg layin' time yet! But as you can see, the seasons are beginning to change. Even though they're calling for snow on Friday!

Happy Chinese New Year!

2010-02-13T06:49:00.000-08:00

I was standing in Forbidden City enjoying the red buildings and yellow, tiled roofs. It's very interesting to be able to walk where the emperors walked. It's pretty fascinating. But then there was this little guy holding his paper flag. He took my breath away. His little face was much grander than any building we stood among. I'm totally smitten by the children there. They stole my heart years ago. Happy New Year China!The pictures below were taken off a Chinese friend's blog in China. They are of children in school. I love getting to peek inside their lives! Enjoy!

What is Grace? or What does God really think about you?

2010-02-01T07:54:00.000-08:00

Understanding God's grace has transformed my life. When I was a child and prayed the prayer asking Jesus into my life one Wednesday night, I was excited to know that Jesus lived inside of me. Then I was baptized. I remember distinctly on the ride home afterward in the car, that my sins were washed away (you know - going under and coming up) and I was going to do my best never to sin again - so I wouldn't be a disappointment to God. I was nine. How sad is that? So I have believed that God loves me unconditionally - because He has to - but I was always a disappointment to Him. I could never quite make it to a place where I could control myself to the point where I never got angry, to where I never said anything sharp or unkind, and of course, studied and read my Bible intently every day. Oh I could handle the big sins - don't drink, don't smoke, don't take the Lord's name in vain. I said other cuss words that brought me down though. Still do when I get exasperated. Are you shocked? So I've been a disappointment to God with all my sins and shortcomings all my life. Have you been too? What I never really understood was grace. There was some weird mix of information in my head about when you confess your sins that God forgives them and forgets them. I actually believed that but still I think there was some sort of residue that left Him disappointed with me. I thought that when God looked at me that he saw someone with great potential but....well...always failing or falling short in some way or another. Grace to me allowed God to continue loving me unconditionally and that I was secure in my salvation. That was it. That's what grace was. But that's the wrong definition of grace. Completely wrong. Do you believe that God not only loves you but likes you? Have you really thought about that? The true definition of grace is that God loves me when I'm down for the count, worn out, given up and depleted. But more gloriously, He loves me when I'm sharp and angry with others, when I'm cunning and prideful...when I don't read my Bible and take thirty minutes to pray intently every day. The reality of all this is is that HE JUST LOVES ME. He loves me whether I'm living in perfect harmony with Him or have fallen off the rock He set my feet upon and have even chosen to wallow in the mud. He delights in my delights. He smiles when I come back to Him and say, "Please forgive me." He loves me when I'm grumpy and tired. He soars with me when I daydream of the Rockies or make something really fun in Photoshop. He waits on me with great anticipation when I wander away. Oh if we all could understand Grace. Can you let go of trying to be perfect for Him? Can you forgive yourself like He has when you've failed - unintentionally and deliberately. Someone asked me, "Doesn't this just give you the right to sin without remorse or consequence?" Brennan Manning said it best when he compared the love of his wife to the love of God. He said that Rosalyn loves him so much. Because she loves him why would he want to cheat on her? It's the same thing with God. He loves me without boundary, limit or breaking point. I don't want to go out and deliberately sin my life away because I know He'll love me anyway. No, it makes me try harder. I love reading Brennan Manning. God has used him to speak to me many times in my walk these past two years. Like Brennan, I don't want to cheat on God either. I now understand Grace. And when you do, you forgive yourself for your failures and sins. You accept that he delights in you just the way you are no matter where you've been or what you've done or where you will go or what you will do. That's complete security in His love that sets you free. There's something else that comes with this acceptance of his pure love for us. It is the responsibility of giving grace to others. Grace cannot be given to others unless we understand God's definition of grace and truly accept it for ourselves. Until we've accepted grace on a deep personal level, we will continue to criticize others sharply, find disappointment in their shortcomings and failures, and hold them to a much higher standard than we secretly know we can't even reach ourselves. When Jesus came to set us free, we are set free when we know him through his grace. I hope you will go on a journey to discover what God's grace means to you. I know that I'm totally free in Him. With this freedom comes great joy. I'm myself. I'm content with who He created me to be. I dont' try to fit in. I don't change my opinions when mine don't match the company I'm in. I'm free from the addiction of the acceptance of others. I'm just me living in freedom in Christ. I am a new creation every day!

There's Trouble - Murphy Only Has a 2" Clearance!

2010-01-30T17:35:00.000-08:00

For a weenie dog, snow equals misery!Look at this stuff. It's sticky and cold!The grass is pokey. She just hates it.Oh no! It's getting worse! And it's slick now!This is just sheer misery! And her tootsies and tummy are freezing. Surely there's something I can do to help her! (Isn't her body just the cutest thing!)Aaaaaahhhhh....Now that's a wee bit better!

The Calm Before the Storm At HGM

2010-01-29T16:49:00.001-08:00

The hawk was sitting on a high tree limb only twenty feet away from the trampoline. He sat for quite some time watching the kids jump. Who would have known that a terrible ice and snow storm was just 12 hours away!
Cubby was snoozing this warm afternoon away.James and Esa in a moment of calmness.Grant, Noah and Micah joking around. There was no need for a jacket. It was in the mid sixties - but eight inches of snow and ice were headed straight for the campus!

And lastly, playing crack the egg on the trampoline. The little kids can't get enough of this! Oh...and pile ups happen often!Aaahhhh...let's celebrate childhood. It lasts just a moment.

I Had a Dream...

2010-01-29T08:15:00.001-08:00

In the early morning hours right before the sun came up behind the heavy veil of clouds this morning, I had a dream about my mom. We were sitting out back in my old metal chairs on the deck. We were laughing and smiling. I was enjoying her company. She told me to get the cushions for the chairs out this spring and to plant my flower garden out front. In those moments, there was no pancreatic cancer, no chemo, no hospitals. I touched her hand. She was there. She was real. "Mom, when I wake up, you'll be gone." She just smiled. I did wake up and she was no longer there. But I've been with my mom today. And this spring, when Wal-Mart gets their flowers in, I'm going to plant my flower garden...like I used to.

A Warm Winter's Day

2010-01-15T11:34:00.001-08:00

Murphy and I went out front for a Wiff-n-Sniff...What a lovely day!The sun was warm on our faces...She sniffed here and she sniffed there...But then her nest inside began calling her...
Let me in please...And now it's nap time...

ZZzzzzz...

Gone Fishin' in China

2009-12-06T16:38:00.001-08:00

In Chengdu, I spent the afternoon buying and giving fish food to children at the park. They fed the "goldfish" in the pond and were delighted when the carp sucked the air at the top of the water. The fish were so thick that the duckling could actually stand on top of the fishes backs! The little guys below had a really great time watching the action after tossing the food into the water.You don't have to speak Mandarin to know that he was asking me for more. I don't know how long I did this - maybe two hours or so. The children were such a delight to watch. Chinese children have their hearts wrapped around my finger!

Grant's Room

2009-12-06T12:31:00.000-08:00

His door was closed. He was sleeping. I went in to wake him to start his day. This is what I found...What to do? Do you have one of these in your home? :-)

How do you know if you're called to be a foreign missionary?

2009-12-06T11:50:00.000-08:00

Do these faces move you?Do new cultures fascinate you?Do new foods excite you?Does meeting new people float your boat?Do the hurting cause your heart to hurt?Do you long for them to know the Truth?God's heart is for all people to know Him. He wants them to know the saving Grace that sets us free. He wants them to experience Love that is limitless and boundless. He longs for them to know Peace - true peace that is not shattered by the sorrow and sadness that life brings. Pray today if He has called you to go. Does He want you to uproot your family and move to a closed country? Maybe... How beautiful are the feet that bring the good news. I can't think of a better way to live out the rest of my life.

Heart of God - Beautiful Feet Bootcamp Graduation

2009-12-02T10:41:00.001-08:00

After five months of intense studying and training (which includes reading books and more books, push ups, crickets and show tunes), our Beautiful Feet Missionary Bootcamp Class #15 of 2009 graduated and are ready to head to the field! See the feet on the wall behind them of the others that have gone before them!Eric talked about David's three mighty men that brought the king a cup of water. It was a great challenge. Maia even cried a little.The crowd was really big! There were a thousand people there! Ok, I'm terrible at judging how large a crowd is. Maybe there were 200.We sang and worshiped together.John talked a wee bit too. (He uses his hands and eyebrows a lot.)Jim and LaVina sang.Then Tom, Jamie and John handed out the graduation certificates.And lastly, we prayed for them and sent them on their way. We've got someone going to Taiwan. Others are thinking about China and still others about Thailand. We'll see where God is calling them to go in the next few weeks! Congratulations BFBC class #15 of 2009!

Mornings at My House

2009-12-01T09:42:00.001-08:00

My mornings start with a weenie dog barkin' for her breakfast.There's no peace and quiet until this little chore is done!It's a serious affair not to be interrupted by a pat on the back or a rub on the tummy. There's growlin' goin' on if you come near her plate!Aaaaahhhhh....but after wards - it's nap time! Even though she just got up from sleepin' all night! Murphy is 14 1/2 now. The old girl can snooze if she wants to.

I Know the Source of Peace

2009-11-28T10:43:00.001-08:00

When I'm broken and depressed. When I'm worn out and have no emotional reserve. When I think I can't make it through another day, I go sit with my Father and my Lord. I ask Him to cover me with His love and peace. I say very little but desire to be simply in His quiet presence. He always meets me there. He tucks me into His hands and wraps me in His love. Even when I'm ripped and torn I know He is at work in my heart. My Jesus longs for me to come to Him and to sit with Him and Him with me. I often can't start my day if I haven't found refuge in Him.
The people of India know nothing of this kind of Love. They have no source for this kind of peace. This morning I was sitting and thinking of them and realized that they will spend their entire lives trying to please a god that doesn't even exist. The god they have created is a fickle God and will determine their future on a whim. They spend each day trying to be good enough for the scale to tip in their favor hoping that they will be granted eternity in heaven.

My God is not fickle. He doesn't rule by emotion or on a whim. He doesn't keep score. His love for me is boundless, limitless and has no breaking point. How do you live without that kind of love and hope? Really. How do you live without a source of peace? Their gods have never offered hope or love and have never given them even a moment of peace. By the time you're 44 don't you just give up? There's no way the scale would ever tip in my favor. Hopelessness would set in. I got the incredible gift of being taken by a native Indian deep into his country. He took me across Mother India by car, taxi, train and plane. I've been in small towns and great cities. I've been in villages and in the jungle. And what impressed me the most was the blank look on the people's faces.

They are faces of lives that are hard and worn down. They are faces that dreamed of a better future but now know it doesn't exist. Not in Hinduism anyway. These children still have hope in their eyes. Their quiet ways entranced me and moved my heart to a deep longing for them to have Hope, and to know Love and to know Peace. Pray for India. Pray for her people to know the love of God. Pray for her children that they might not be trapped in hopelessness but to live free in Christ - tucked in the hallow of his hand.

Pumpkin Pie & Momma - Thoughts on Heaven and a Lesson on Leaf Making!

2009-11-23T20:52:00.001-08:00

If you're a girl, Thanksgiving is cookin' in the kitchen with your mom. It's an all day affair that actually begins the day before! My skills in the kitchen are terribly lacking...to the point where my Mom designated me as "clean up girl." No matter what I try, it seems like I'm on the brink of disaster! But I can do pumpkin pie. And I can make some awesome leaves for my pumpkin pie too. Thanks to my Momma. She taught me how. So I'm passing it on to you. It's ridiculously easy. I guess that's why I'm successful at it! First make your pumpkin pie. Eric's grandmother used to make pumpkin pie from scratch. I mean the whole shabang! You know, where you actually bake your own pumpkin, scrape it, season it then make the crust and bake the pie. Whew! The first real danger for me would be trying to cut the thing in half to cook it! When I met Eric, I made a pumpkin pie for us and he thought it was the best pumpkin pie he'd ever eaten. "Please don't tell my grandmother. It takes her all day to make one pie. How do you make yours?" Libby's of course! (I even get the already seasoned can of pie mix.) Momma and I did like to make our own pie crust but for the leaves, the roll out dough is the best. That's the secret.So roll out the pie crust. Get a large and small leaf shaped cookie cutter and cut as many as you can out of one pie crust. To make the leaves look sorta "real," draw veins on the leaves.Next roll up ten or so balls of foil - golf ball sized. Lay the leaves over the balls of foil. This way they come out looking wavy and not flat like you pressed them and pulled them out of a book. Now cook them until they're golden brown. You see, it's not about the taste with the leaves - it's about the prettiness! After that, be sure to let them cool completely or they'll break into pieces when you try to pull them off the foil balls. Heck, mine break into pieces anyway 'cause that's how things go in my kitchen when I cook! Then arrange them on your pie. That's it! It makes for a fancy pumpkin pie and it's really easy to do!My Momma - She died last March of pancreatic cancer. Last year I couldn't stand to be in the kitchen. Every time I'd go in there tears would stream down my face. You see, we lived with her. It's her kitchen that I cook in. She's everywhere and she's nowhere. But today, I'm feeling better about it. It does take time for sure. Last week I met with Dianna Bellow for a coffee date one cold afternoon. Dianna and I talked about Mom and the last year and about heaven. She said that "it's seemless to go to heaven. And there is just a veil between heaven and earth. Such a thin veil that a breath can pass through it." I don't know about you, but her words impacted me so much. My eyes brimmed with tears. To be so close to my Savior and my Momma. What a comfort and joy. Happy Thanksgiving everybody.

Snot Turns Black When You're Playing in a Leaf Pile (HGM - Oklahoma)

2009-11-23T19:39:00.000-08:00

There are at least 50 oak trees on HGM property and each year they provide a great big pile of FUN! We burried Logan. Lost him completely - so we thought! Esa even cried when she couldn't find him! He turned up though. Snot turns black when you play in a leaf pile! Then off on the ladybug they went touring the campus. There was lots of yelling and laughing. They're some of the cutest kids in the world!

China - Let's Eat Dinner - It's not for the faint-hearted!

2009-11-16T17:43:00.000-08:00

Chicken, fish, veggies and rice...it's all at the market on the side street downtown. I can't tell ya which town. Security is too tight there. But it's in China! So how does one cook dinner there? First you walk down to the market. Everything in China is fresh. Most folks don't have refrigerators (although it seems everyone has a cell phone!) so food is bought and prepared fresh every day. Sometimes I have to be careful when I walk down Chinese markets. I really don't want to watch them kill the chicken so it's "fresh" when they give it to you. I'm truly an American when it comes to that and prefer to buy my chicken boneless, skinless, sitting on a piece of styrofoam and shrink wrapped! In the end, it doesn't resemble chicken at all! Yay! So here it goes, the pictures pretty much tell the story (minus the yuky part - sorry guys). These are open-air restaurants where we ate but most of the food comes from the market vendors. There's no canned or prepackaged food here.
There's one dish where they batter the fishes body and fry it with the head out of the oil so it's still alive and breathing when it comes to your table! This one really got me!
The restaurants along the street pull out their grills and tables and chairs and cook outside when the weather is nice. The whole town comes out to eat and chat the evening away. The fires under the woks and grills lining the streets look magical in the dusk!
These are goat heads. The brain is inside. Yes, they cook and eat them! They're very popular... It's not for the faint-hearted.What was on the menu that evening - grilled potatoes, mixed vegetables, shrimp, lobster, chicken, cicadas...

Cicadas... Did I say cicadas? Uhha...There was a feast each evening!It's embarassing how much food we could put away in one sitting! Really, we were like slugs and would have to sit back and wait awhile before we were able to walk again!

Ever wondered what a Chinese hotel room looks like? This one in Chengdu is my most favorite!

2009-11-12T19:47:00.000-08:00

This is one of my favorite places to stay in China. It's actually in Chengdu. My other favorite place is in Beijing in a hostel down in the old part of the city. This hotel is more western than most. I appreciate the western toilet. But the fun thing about this hotel is that the view outside the window is incredible and it sits on a tourist street that the Chinese have transformed into the Ming Dynasty era. Red lanterns line the street and are lit at night and the atmosphere is magical. People laugh and talk at the tea shops below until the wee hours of the morning. I love hearing all the conversations going on outside my window. The Chinese love this street so it's always packed out and festive. It's a fun place to people watch. Look! You can see the trees on the temple grounds next door. So lovely!Oh the western toilet! I do appreciate them when they are available. It's sooo funny. I've seen footprints on toilet seats countless times all across China. They just don't like sitting on something to go to the bathroom. They think it's totally "unclean!" So they squat on them by standing on the lid!So this is what a squatty potty looks like. This also happens to be an exceptionally clean one that I found on the overnight train. Which way do you face? What do you do with your pants? Does it flush? There's obviously no toilet paper. What do you do with it after you've "used" it? It doesn't go down the little hole (there's a little trap door that you can't see)! Mmmmm...I've figured out how to use one "successfully!" If you really want to know how - I suppose I could do a post on it! Isn't it a fun street! The hotel is on the second floor. I could leave my windows open all night.On the whole, I don't like tourist spots. But the Chinese love this street so much that they really make it a lot of fun to visit! It's just not "foreigners" who like to go. The Chengdu Giant Panda Research Center is about an hour from here. I should totally do a post on that place. You'd love it!
* This hotel costs around $35 USD a night.

ART - From China to India, Mexico and Little Rock

2009-11-12T19:29:00.000-08:00

Graffiti on a building in downtown Monterrey, Mexico - Pretty cool, huh! And it was really big.Silhouettes hand cut in the Old Shanghai District, Shanghai, China - I had one made of Grant!
A hand painted mural at a roadside stop out in the middle of nowhere, India - I loved this mural immediately when we drove up!Mural on the Flying Fish down at the Rivermarket, Little Rock, Arkansas - I never can figure out how they can paint something that big and it turn out "in proportion..." Mine always ends up wonky!

An ELEPHANT Story - Grant and Jasmine Take a Ride in INDIA

2009-11-11T19:45:00.001-08:00

Grant and I really wanted to see an elephant while we were in India. When you think of India, don't you think of elephants? Well right in the middle of town stood an elephant munching away on leaves off a tree in the middle of a busy road. I couldn't believe it! Albert said that we'd see one but secretly I didn't believe him. But there she stood - just like I had imagined. We HAD to stop! Of course! So after looking her over and touching her and asking all kinds of questions, Grant and Jasmine decided they wanted to take a little ride...
Don't you just love the way they paint them! (Their hair is prickly.)There was some tugging and pulling involved to get Grant up there. Jasmine - we just gave her a toss!Off they go!

Isn't Jasmine the cutest thing!
So what's up with all the elephants? Well one of the Hindu gods is named Ganesh. His father, Rama, was also a god and one day he got mad at his son and cut his head off. After he did it, he felt bad so he put the head of an elephant on the body of his son. Today, Ganesh is known to be the god of success. There are actually hundreds of gods in the Hindu religion but Ganesh is one of the favorites. Elephants obviously represent him and offering gifts to the elephant is like offering gifts to Ganesh himself. While Grant and Jasmin rode the elephant, several people stopped her to give her an offering. One man, leaning out of his car window, gave me an offering to give her as he drove by. (Her nose tickles when she takes something from your hand. Oh, and it's wet too.)Statues of Ganesh in the temples.
The bell hanging above the man is there to alert Ganesh that someone has come to worship him.

My Favorite Dogs From Around the World

2009-11-08T21:19:00.000-08:00

China - Down in the Antique Markets of Chengdu
India - Grant with the Neighbor's Dogs - Her name is Bhurhee - She had 9 puppies after we left.

Monterrey, Mexico The States - Murphy - At My House - Celebrating her 12th birthday. She's 14 1/2 now!

This is Edward

2009-11-02T19:41:00.001-08:00

This is Edward. Isn't he cute! He lives in Uganda in the slums where our friend Cari works. He's eleven or twelve years old. We're not sure because he is an orphan. Both of his parents have died and no one can remember his birth date. He is very polite and never complains. He likes to play soccer. If you are looking for him, Cari says that he's usually at home helping his grandmother. Eric met Edward earlier this year when he went to visit Cari. Edward along with several of his cousins live with his grandmother in the slums. They are all orphaned from HIV. Eric, Grant and I sponsored Edward in March of this year. He's going to school now, has food to eat and is learning about the Love of Jesus. He has never been to school before because there was no money to pay the school fees and to buy the uniforms and books - but he's already made it to the 2nd grade! I can't believe I get to sponsor him! Really, what an honor it is to play a part of his future - immediate and eternal! One day soon, I hope that Grant can visit Edward and meet his grandmother and cousins and maybe even play soccer with him! Now how fun would that be. You can sponsor a child too that Cari knows. There are many who are waiting. Our friend Cari will send you a picture and tell you your child's story too. You can find her on our website - www.untilallhaveheard.org or the Vision of Destiny - http://vodafrica.org. Cari is one of Every Nation's missionaries. She started Vision of Destiny. She's making a difference one life at a time.
Johnathan needs a sponsor...
So does Kevin...
Eric with Cari in the slums near her school - March 2009.

TIBET - A Journey into the Foothills of the Himalayas

2009-11-02T10:21:00.000-08:00

Tibet. It sounds magical doesn't it? When I think of it I think of the movie The Bucket List when Edward and Carter wanted to climb one of the Himalayan mountains. I also think of Buddhism and golden statues. Before I went, I really didn't think much of who actually lived there, what they did day in and day out, or even how they lived. I guess because I just didn't know how to picture it in my head. When I arrived in this tiny Tibetan town school children dressed in their uniforms came streaming down the main road headed back to school from their lunch break. These three boys (pictured above) saw me and started yelling for me to take their picture. They grabbed each other around the necks and smiled for me without me asking. Then they disappeared behind the school wall. When I turned the camera around I was captivated. Look at their faces! Tears began to fall down my cheeks. They became the face of Tibet for me. Three young boys on their way back to school. They're just regular kids wanting to have a good time. They were happy! Would they be trapped in Buddhism their entire lives? I cried again because most likey, they will be. We walked on and came upon the temple. There were beautiful ladies dressed in traditional coats and clothing sitting in front of the prayer wheels. The prayer wheels are full of hand written Buddhist prayers and when they spin them they believe the prayers are sent up to God. So even if you can't read you can still pray by turning the wheels. The wheels are turned constantly by everyone in town - all day long. The statues were huge. The monks were busy cleaning and tending to the temples. There was a festival the next day. They walked along holding hands (it's a sign of friendship) and carried prayer beads. Most were friendly and some even wanted to talk to us through our interpreters. The Tibet I saw was full of color. It was quiet and poor. There were friendly people who were interested in foreigners and welcomed us in their town. There were people who were questioning and stared. I watched the people walk around the statues and bow down before them touching their heads to the ground over and over again. I want them to stand in the glory of God's love and grace. Pray for Tibet - for her children - for her people!

A Nerd, Trick-or-Treating and a Candy Swap

2009-11-01T19:20:00.000-08:00

So I've watched "It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown," bought mums and put them outside my backdoor, went trick-or-treating with Grant, Hannah and Stephen, and got my fluffy brown jacket out. It must be autumn! My favorite time of the year! Although I think you can out grow trick-or-treating, if you stay a child at heart you don't out grow dressing up! Grant googled "how to dress like a nerd" and came up with his own costume this year. I think he did a bang up job - even though Hannah and Stephen didn't know what he was! He took them from house to house and then when they came home they dumped their buckets of candy out on the floor and began the "trading session."
Hannah: "I'll trade you two sour balls for one Snicker."
Grant: "No way! I'll trade you two sour balls and two picksy sticks for one Snicker."
Hannah: "Ok. That sounds fair."
Anyway, they ended the evening with Grant on the floor wrestling with them. It was a fun evening at the Graham house! Happy Autumn!

LIFESYTLE MAKEOVER

2009-10-29T14:34:00.001-07:00

Just for fun: If I could have a "lifestyle makeover" I'd live here:

Sleep here:

Read books and watch Lost here:

And maybe even wear these clothes if I was feelin' girly:

Mmmmmmhmmmmm....

MEXICO - THE COMMON MARKET

2009-10-25T14:23:00.000-07:00

I love to explore the common markets in foreign countries. I've yet to come across one in the States that comes even close to those I've explored overseas. These markets are vast and sprawling and sell everything from shoes and clothes to dvds, art supplies, sheets and comforters, fabric, and fresh fruit, vegetables and meat. The pictures above were taken at the market in Monterrey, Mexico. Eric and I came across it one day exploring. We wandered about for several hours and ate lunch in a little diner down in the middle of it. I put my feet up in the chair next to me. I was worn out. We had already walked several miles in 95F heat and my feet needed the relief. I ate my enchiladas sitting by a window and watched a man sell dvds and faucet parts from his little stall on the other side of the window. You never know what you'll see or find. I do love the common markets!

A TOUCH OF FALL @ HGM

2009-10-21T21:25:00.000-07:00

The tree house is magical. It's one of my favorite things at HGM. There are always children playing under the trees. One of them might even be mine! This week there were signs that autumn was well on its way.

FROM JOHN DENVER TO U2

2009-10-19T17:07:00.000-07:00

When did Grant stop singing "Mother Nature's Son" and start singing "Stuck in a Moment?" Somewhere along the way, his dad won him over to become a U2 fan! Actually, I'm one too. I must admit. And after MONTHS of waiting, Eric and Grant went to the U2 concert last night in Norman, Oklahoma. They left at 3:00pm for the stadium because the anticipation was so great that leaving at 4:00 was unbearable! I told them, "Hey, if it was John Denver I would have left hours ago!" That was all they needed to hear so they put their shoes on and out the door they went. I got pictures from their IPhone of the stage when they arrived and pictures of Grant standing in his seat waiting for the music to start. I remember when I was 12. My Mom and Dad bought me tickets to go see John Denver in Pine Bluff, Arkansas. I was beside myself that day! (I could possibly be his biggest fan and I say this shamelessly!) I rarely said a word in school and once, when I got in trouble for talking in class, my mother PRAISED me! The day of the John Denver concert - well - I don't remember what I did but I wasn't allow to go out on the playground for recess that day. I distinctly remembered not caring one little bit! I knew how Grant felt yesterday. I knew he would remember the biggest "guys night out" with his dad his whole life. It was a big day. His first concert and with a world-wide known band. Bono did not disappoint. I heard Grant tossing and turning in his bed unable to get the excitement of the music and the concert out of his head long into the night. Sweet memories were made with a great dad. It was a night to remember!

In Eric's truck, Bono sings away. In mine, John Denver. Yep, Grant is exposed to a WIDE variety of music!