When my momma got sick with pancreatic cancer I panicked. I was traumatized that day in the doctor's office when Dr. Baltz sweetly told momma what she had... "There's a shadow on your pancreas. It's cancer." I knew what that diagnosis meant - death or a miraculous healing. I had a long journey ahead of me of learning to trust Jesus with my emotions in the very depths of my soul. There was no other way I would survive emotionally intact if I didn't let Him take care of me. Day by day I let go of myself and sat with Him. Momma and I walked this path together. Rarely did we talk about the cancer. We lived each day individually in our normal routines as best as we could. At night I would throw myself in the floor in my bathroom at Jesus feet. There I would let Him comfort me. There He met me quietly and held my sobbing body. There the waves of sorrow and fear would come and Jesus wept along with me. I don't know why God chose to take my mother that way. I do know this - at the end of her journey we had both fought and won a victory over fear and depression with Jesus! Day by day and sometimes minute by minute it was fought and won. This is what happened when momma died.
We took momma to the hospital. We followed the ambulance to St. Vincent. It was a long ride. After several hours in the emergency room, they moved her up to an ICU unit. That evening when I walked in to her little cubical she reached out her hand and told me that she'd had enough. Take the tubes and medicines away. She was ready. She wanted pain medication and that was all. It was something that I could do for her. I could obey and help her and I did. When the pain medicine came, it put her into a deep sleep. Before she went to sleep I told her that if I saw her stir I would get her more medicine. She was satisfied. We talked for almost two hours. We said I love yous over and over. She told me I was a good mother. I disagreed. Eric wanted secrets after she got there. She smiled. After some time, she went deep asleep. The monitors told us that her heart was slowing down. Suddenly, beyond my wildest dreams, I was almost giddy with joy! I kept listening to the beats come more and more infrequently and my heart began to soar! I told Eric that "she's not here anymore! I know what the monitors say but she's not here!" I was smiling! We'd won! She'd won! Jesus was there in the room! You could feel his presence. He's the one who brought all this happiness with him and gave it to me! I didn't cry. I didn't need to! I was so caught off guard by what I was seeing and experiencing that I relived it day after day in my thoughts. When I left the hospital my mom was standing at the gates of heaven with people throwing their arms around her laughing and smiling and talking nonstop! How do I know this happened? Well two days later I was in bed exhausted from the last seven months of fighting this cancer with momma. I was in bed early and fell asleep. I had a dream that was as vivid as could be. My grandfather was in a large garden hoeing rows and rows of soil. I could see them stretching behind him. He liked to garden while he was here on earth too. I was aware that there were some buildings to his right but I don't know what they looked like at all. A man suddenly appeared and stood before him. He told him that it was time for him to go to the gate. My grandfather took off his gloves, dropped his hoe and began walking away. That was it. The dream ended. I sat bolt up in bed and woke Eric. I told him that I knew what happened when momma got to heaven and I told him my dream. After thinking about it for a few minutes I realized that the man was an angel. He came to deliver a message to my granddad. I then realized that not everyone goes to the gates when someone arrives. Isn't that interesting? He told him that it was time for him to go. I think you're told when someone you know is coming. I also thought that in heaven in the big Book of Life there were birth dates and times and arrival dates and times. If you looked in the book, you would find out when someone was coming and you could meet them at the gate. Now I have no idea where I got this idea. That was something I had believed my entire life as truth. But what excited me more than anything was the realization that my grandfather didn't know who he was going to meet! You KNOW he thought it was my grandmother. She was 90! But it wasn't her! He was in for a huge surprise. I was so exited for him I couldn't stand it. Oh wow. If only I could have been there! It happened. It was real. It was a glimpse into heaven that brought me comfort. God gave me a peek. He is so good.
Now my grandmother is about to walk through the gates. I've told her I love her. She's told me the same. I told her to tell momma hi. My grandmother is just transferring from one place to another. The distance is so small that it's like a thin veil between heaven and life here on earth. Sometimes God lets us catch a glimpse through the veil. Thank you God. I know that the victory has already been won. I'm left behind once again but I know it will be ok. I'll soon stop crying and although the memories are painful right now, they'll sweeten as the months pass by.
I write these things because it brings me comfort. It reminds me that great joy can come out of awful times of sorrow. I write about truths that I've learned. I hope it helps you to read them. I want you to know what I've experienced. I'm waiting now for the Comforter to come. Come Lord Jesus Come.
Do you have a story about heaven? Please tell me. I want to hear them.
Living under His Grace and Mercy,
Staci
Praying for you Staci! Thanks for sharing your thoughts and emotions.
ReplyDeleteLove you~
Kelly
That was beautiful. Thank you dear friend :) -micah
ReplyDelete